A Conscious Approach to Discipline at GWFS - Conflict as a "good" thing?

Even with all the work around “Positive Discipline” in the last decade, the word alone still carries a strong, often negative connotation. It is hard for some, especially those of us from older generations, to hear the word “discipline” and not imagine stern adults lecturing, expressing disappointment, or even punishing children. In fact, "discipline" comes from discipulus, meaning "to teach." We particularly like the following excerpt from The Whole-Brain Child by Siegel & Bryson: "Discipline is about teaching—not about punishment. It’s about helping children develop the internal compass they need to make good decisions." At GWFS, we take this to heart. We follow a heart-centered approach in which conflict is not seen as a disruption but rather a catalyst for growth, and “discipline” as a tool for providing a safe container within which that growth can occur with the loving support of adults.

Conflict is a natural part of the human experience. Children are navigating conflicts for the first time, so all conflicts are opportunities for children to develop self-control and create patterns of respect for themselves and others. At GWFS, we regard all behaviors as communication. Taking this view shifts the perspective of discipline from "managing a problem" to "teaching a skill," which is the heartbeat of modern, brain-based pedagogy.

Clear, consistent boundaries create safety. The role of the adult in the classroom environment, we believe and practice, is to be "a loving and empathetic guide" rather than "a referee." When loving and empathetic adults allow young children to try out interactions, make mistakes, and try again, they learn lifelong lessons about building and maintaining relationships ~ while the stakes are still relatively low due to their age (perhaps it’s better to learn the art of clear and compassionate communication when the conflict is over a toy, rather than a car accident!!)  

At GWFS, we believe that children are always doing the best they can with the tools they have. If they don’t know how to handle a disagreement, we teach. Our approach deprioritizes imposed  control and instead teaches and supports self-regulation.

Dr. Becky Bailey (Conscious Discipline) emphasizes that "connection governs behavior." We practice Connection Before Redirection: the belief being, you cannot reach a child’s logic if they don’t feel connected. Based on the Whole-Brain Child approach by Siegel and Bryson, we understand that a child in a high emotional state cannot access their "upstairs brain"—the part responsible for logic and empathy. We must first connect with the child's right brain (emotions) before we can redirect the left brain (behavior). Our educators know that the goal is to help children succeed, and they believe that all children do inherently want to succeed during their time with us - success defined as: communicating their needs effectively enough so as to get them met. Our educators also know that in order to support a child, they must first establish trust. A child will open up to an adult and ASK for help when they trust them. So different than the old authoritative view of “my way, or else!”

How might this look in action?

Let’s imagine a child is screaming because they don't want to transition to lunch. A teacher won't simply lead with a rule - repeating “Put that away! It’s time for lunch!” Instead, they might kneel down, offer a gentle hand, and say, "You were working so hard on that drawing. It’s really hard to stop when you’re in the middle of a big idea." Perhaps the teacher will even take the extra moment to talk to this child about their drawing, hearing their excitement for what they’ve created and enjoyment for creating - and reluctance to let all this enjoyment go! The teacher may offer reassurance - “I see that you love doing this, that makes me happy! We will make time for it again. We will have more time for drawing when lunch is over. But now, we need to feed our bellies - our food will give us energy to start drawing again!” Once the child feels seen, they are ready to hear the instruction: "Let's find a safe spot for your paper so we can wash hands."

Reminders and Redirection

When big emotions lead to forgotten manners, we provide "reminders" rather than "warnings." This aligns with Gentle Parenting, where the adult acts as a calm anchor. If a child begins to run in the classroom, a teacher might say, "I see your body has a lot of energy. Let’s use our 'walking feet' inside so our friends stay safe. Would you like to hop to the door or slide like a penguin?" This redirects the energy without shaming the child.

The Problem with Forced Apologies

Research in Gentle Parenting suggests that forcing a child to say "I'm sorry" often teaches them to lie or perform a script to escape trouble, rather than actually feeling empathy. We want children to feel the weight of their actions and the joy of making things right. When a child upsets or hurts another, our teachers facilitate a process of repair. This is not about shame; it is about empowerment. If Chloe knocks over Sam’s stick tower in a moment of anger, the teacher doesn't send Chloe to a chair. Instead, the teacher helps Chloe look at Sam's face.

Teacher: "Chloe, look at Sam. His face is sad. His tower is broken. What can you do to help him feel better?" Chloe might offer to help rebuild, fetch a tissue, or give Sam a "high-five" once he is ready. And, although the teacher did insist that Chloe do something (a teaching moment), Chloe chose what action to take, or best yet, asked Sam what HE would like. This teaches Chloe to be empowered and collaborative even in moments of regret or conflict.

"The goal of restitution is not to 'fix' the child, but to allow the child to fix the situation. This builds a sense of agency and responsibility that lasts a lifetime." — Inspired by Dr. Becky Bailey, Conscious Discipline.

Modeling Appropriate Behavior 

Teacher Elena notices a tumbled basket of pots and pans. She sits down and says to no one in particular, "I see these are on the ground. I’m going to put them back in the basket so they are safe and ready for tomorrow. It feels good to organize my space." She moves calmly and purposefully. By highlighting the process and the impact of one’s actions, the children learn to feel a sense of internal pride (autonomy) rather than just performing for a teacher's approval.

"The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice." ~ Peggy O'Mara, (Gentle Parenting).Time spent at Growing Wild Forest School is not meant to be a time in which children are “kept in line” in order to achieve constant calm and harmony, although, yes, harmonious interaction among students and teachers IS the goal! However, we don’t expect this to be constant, and especially not a skill developed overnight. They are lifelong relationship skills that even some adults are still developing! We in fact expect that conflict will arise, and when it does, we welcome it. What a wonderful opportunity to support a young individual grow into the strong, empathetic, empowered, and compassionate adult they will one day be. We know that outdated frameworks which prioritize control often lead children to develop an inner voice which is a harsh critic, which feels shame, which lacks intrinsic motivation and empowered self-worth. While it may, in moments, take a bit more time and engagement to lead with these practices, we feel that it is in fact these key moments that make Growing Wild Forest School. This is a space in which children may grow into their own voice, play and learn in a safe, supportive environment, and make mistakes! It’s HUMAN to make mistakes. We look forward to supporting your child in making meaning out of their mistakes, using them to develop powerful relational skills, and ultimately, creating the foundation for their transition to well-rounded adulthood.

by Katie Wilson, Forest School Foundation Director, 2025